Sunday, September 2, 2012

Doors closing

I don't ever write here, am not even sure as to why I made a Blogger in the first place.  But, since I have it, I am going to try to write more frequently; I am going to have time, after all.

Note:  This is going to be a bit rambly as I am not going to edit it today.

Literally four hours ago, I quit my job.  I was the CSM (Customer Service Manager) of Hastings Entertainment.  I started working for the company November 17, 2011.  I had applied for a seasonal position to give us extra money for Christmas.  Then, by an odd chance of fate, I ended up getting a more permanent position for a CTL instead of a Book Associate that I had applied for.  I guess the manager at the time liked my answer of "if you don't have common sense, you can't work a place like this".  Anyway, so I traied to be a Customer Team Lead and everything went smoothly.  I loved my job, for the most part.  After being a stay at home mother and house wife for ten years I was glad, though apprehensive, to be back out in the 'real world'. 

Shortly after becoming the CTL, the manager at the time quit and a new one was put into place.  The CSM at the time was half-assed crazy and everything was in turmoil it seemed.  Every time I walked into work I was hearing of some stupid crap that some other CTL or CSA (Customer Service Assistant) had done, and if not that then someone complaining to me about the crazy-assed CSM.  I believe that woman should have been on medication.  She did fairly well, this was the first time I think for her to have a position as such and just needed to adjust-she had been hired about the same time as me.  Of course, she didn't want to adjust I guess.  She would cuss at the employees, throw things, and basically treat people like shit.  I think I was the only one that ever escaped her wrath and that was probably because she most likely knew I wouldn't put up with it.  I also think age had a handle in it, too.  She was only a few years older than me, but everyone else was in their early twenties.  I don't know, but whatever it was she never once treated me like shit. 

Then, because of the complaints against her and whatever other reasons, she deiced to turn in her two weeks notice.  Something happened, one of her mood swings, and she was leaving before her two weeks was up.  I was then asked to take on the CSM position.  I fought it for awhile.  I didn't want the responsibility, I have children in school and I was still adjusting to working and trying to take care of my home as well.  About a month went by before I finally took the job.  It wasn't too bad, I was doing really good at it and I didn't mind all the responsibility other than trying to get my CTL's and CSA's to do their jobs correctly.  It kept me away from home more, but I was making money and contributing to the family and it made me feel good.

As time progressed, things were going swimmingly.  The front end was looking great, I still had employee's not wanting to do their job correctly but overall things were way better than they had before.  Then, about two months ago, I was working a Friday night and my back was aching.  My back aches from time to time, I thought it was the shoes.  Saturday morning rolls around and when I go to get out of bed, I can't move.  It took me nearly an hour to roll myself out of bed and then I couldn't even stand up straight.  I cried, I moaned, I tried to stretch my back out and got nothing.  Finally, I called my husband home early from work and asked him to take me to the ER. 

My ER sucks.  It's horrid, or rather the doctors are horrid.  I sat in the waiting room for hours and when I finally get to a room, the doctor checks my reflexes in my knees and ankles, says my muscles are just tight and gave me three shots.  He didn't even look at my back, touch my back, give me X-Rays, or anything.  I was...appalled.  I go home no better than I had been going in with a script for Tylenol 3.  Monday, I go to see a chiropractor and after a few days of that, I start feeling better.  Not entirely, but I was able to start standing up straight.  I then finally get in to see my Family Physician, who took some X-Rays and gave me a script for Lortab and Soma, a muscle relaxer.  He was sure that my muscles were just having spasms and that he didn't mind me seeing the chiropractor and said it looked as if my muscles were pushing my spine over just slightly because of the spasm.  Later I got a call after the radiologist saw the X-Ray and they said it looked like I had a degenerative disk. 

I go back to my chiropractor with this news and my chiropractor says that I could not have a degenerative disk at my age (I'm 33) without some sort of major trauma.  Then he starts babbling away how the doctor was basically an idiot.  I didn't say anything.  I mean, my doctor was kind enough to say good things about the chiropractor, buy my chiropractor wants to be a dick and say they are all completely wrong.  Whatever.  I continue to see him because he does seem to be helping me.  I go back to work, and then one day I am just sore all over and can barely move again, plus the last time I had seen the chiropractor he kind of hurt me.  So, I go back to my doctor.  He checks me over and still insists it's muscle spasms that aren't releasing.  So, I get another script for Diazepam (Generic for Valium).  No Loratabs this time because I still have the ones he gave me three weeks ago.  I have been going easy because I don't want to get addicted and so use them only when I need them, like really really need them.  He also prescribed me to start seeing a physical therapist. 

I really like my physical therapist.  I've stopped seeing the chiropractor all together now.  I was ordered to take it easy at work and I stepped down from my CSM position.  Still, even though I was getting better, I back-slid once more.  I just can't seem to work and get better.  So, after a bit of deliberation and talking with my husband, I've decided to quit all together.  I am not going to get better if I'm working and pushing myself at work.  I need to be able to rest and I'm just not getting it. 

So I am now, once again, a stay at home mother and wife.  I'm depressed at the moment because I feel as if I am letting so many people down...

But.. as the saying goes.  One door closes and another opens.. So, I wait for that door to open, or at least a window I can jump out of..